Hello everybody! My name is Casey. I thought a little and I decided to share my story with you. Just because it’s not easy to get throw it alone. Well, I have a special disease - I am afraid of open spaces.
I suppose everyone heard about claustrophobia. It’s a phobia of narrow places, something like that. But not many people know there’s an opposite thing - agoraphobia.
On the contrary, people with agoraphobia are afraid of big rooms, opened doors and something like open spaces.
You can escape claustrophobia just by not going in some narrow places. But you can’t escape agoraphobia staying at home forever. It’s waiting for you everywhere. Every day!
So, when I was a kid, I hadn’t got that phobia. I was happy to go for a walk on the fields, beaches… Well, I really liked big spaces outside. Nobody could think one day I would panic when I see a wide street.
First attack happened a year ago. Then I learned that this phobia existed.
That day I went to the shopping mall with my mom to buy some things, have a good time and eat some yummies. Things were going as they should be.
So we came there, walked the lines of the mall and reached the central square. You know such places - seats, a fountain and all sorts of other beautiful things. And there it started…
The fear got me in a second. I stopped and I couldn’t move. My mom noticed me frozen and called me. But I didn’t react. I looked like I was okay, but I panicked inside.
Wide great open space, moving crowds, high ceilings, bright light… It seemed to me, I was losing control on everything. As something huge and heavy started to press me. I got dizzy, lost myself and fainted.
When I opened my eyes, I understood that I’m still at the same shopping mall. There were crowds of people around me and mom held my hand.
But if you think I got well, smiled to everybody, and we happily continued our shopping- you’re wrong.
As I saw that big awful crowd, they were looking at me, my attack became more powerful. I didn’t faint but other symptoms were not pleasant either. My heart started beating fast, I was sweating and breathed heavily. And there was an awful sound in my ears. I felt that for all my way back home.
And only when I got in my room I felt better.
Of course, we didn’t think about agoraphobia. We thought it was because of overworking. Moreover, I felt really good at home. Like nothing happened.
But in coupla weeks it happened in a second time, a third… and we got alarmed.
That unexplained heart attacks caught me on the streets, at cinemas and in some public places.
Once it happened at school, when I went with my class to a big sports ground. I started sweating again, I froze in panic. I was trembling and I was looking around, not going to react on classmates’ or teacher’s calls.
Soon, I was afraid just to leave home alone. Because nobody knew when the next attack would be.
After a month I went to the hospital. They studied my tests for a long time. They wrote something, counted something… but in the end they couldn’t tell me anything. They told me to go to the psychiatrist and get some recommendations from him.
I wasn’t really happy about that. I didn’t believe that psychiatry could help me. But still, I went there. So, just to check.
Truly, I was surprised but psychologist was the only specialist who could explain me something. He listened to all my boring stories about my heart attacks. Then he wrote down something, asked me the same things 100 times and gave me the final diagnosis. I was so fed up with these attacks that I was really happy to hear maybe assumptions about what was happening to me. Then he said I had agoraphobia for the first time.
I didn’t understand anything by the name of the disease. The doctor explained to me it was kinda phobia, causing the fear of open spaces, crowds and even open doors. Like, people with agoraphobia could be lost, and feel danger in such places. That’s why it caused attacks.
But he couldn’t tell, why I had this phobia. He said there could be thousands of reasons and it’s impossible to know for sure.
Of course, the diagnosis explained to me a lot, but it didn't help. My attacks became more frequent.
If I go out and turn up in a wide space or any public place, I start trembling. I have breathing problems, my pulse increases and I run back home, screaming.
Soon It happened that I can’t leave my house at all. I even started my home education instead of a usual school program.
I visited a lot of doctors and one of them finally prescribed me a course of treatment. I gotta go to the therapist several times a week and take some sedatives or kinda something like that. I wanna believe that it would help me.
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